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10 Ways to Open Your Heart to Your Mother
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By: Lisa R. Delman
We learn
about ourselves through examining our relationships with others." -Lisa Delman
The journey of writing a letter guides us to converse with our
souls and deepen our hearts. It uncovers our true voices-our unique perspectives
on how we view the world. It challenges us to explore the tapestry of our
feelings to someone-a reflection of ourselves.
- HONOR YOURSELF
Acknowledge your courage to open your heart, articulate your emotions on
paper, and grow from your willingness to write the letter to your mother. When
you take the time to reflect inwardly, you nurture yourself.
Take a few moments to honor and appreciate yourself.
- RECONNECT TO YOUR HEART
Self-reflection requires a change of pace of what we are accustomed to.
Allow yourself the time to relax. Create a quiet, private space to write your
letter. Perhaps choose a favorite place in nature, listen to soothing music
such as Enya, Steve Halpern, or classical music, or enjoy your favorite food
or tea-any place you feel peaceful.
Take some deep breaths and connect emotionally with your mother.
- CREATE A DESIRED OUTCOME
Expand your thoughts beyond your present image of your mother and your
relationship. If you are encountering challenges with your relationship, be
open to experiencing her in a new light. For example, you may want to resolve
past hurts or be more loving toward her. You may want to understand more or
develop more of an appreciation for her. This exercise is not about dumping on
your mother. It is about exploring your emotions through letter writing,
resolving past hurts, and experiencing positive shifts within yourself and
your relationship with your mother. Creating a desired outcome guides us to be
more centered on what is most important. Let the process unfold naturally.
Dianne Collins, creator-author of Quantum Think®, says, "It is like planting
the seeds for a garden of love and appreciation, honor, and respect. In such a
relationship garden, even if weeds sprout, you can just handle them and remain
in awe of the beauty blossoming there."
Write, visualize, and feel one positive expression from writing the letter.
- HONEST EXPRESSION OF FEELINGS
Eliose Ristad guides us to embrace all of our humanity. She says, "Feel
all the opposites that comprise your being human. Feel the power in these
opposing forces within you. Without these opposites, you would be as bland and
characterless as unsalted mush."
Certain words listed below may prompt a particular feeling you have now or
have had toward your mother. To release a negative feeling, you might want to
write about that feeling and see what you discovered about yourself in the
process. This exercise is about acknowledging a specific feeling, releasing
it, and learning from it in a meaningful way. It is about letting go of what
holds you back in life. If it is a positive feeling, you may discover
something new about your mother. Remember, this is a springboard to guide you.
Only you know what is true in your heart.
Choose one or two emotions listed below when you think of your mother and
write about them. Also describe what you learned about yourself through this
process.
- Fear
- Embarrassment
- Joy, Celebration, Enthusiasm
- Sorrow, Sadness, Regret, Remorse, Grief, Guilt
- Freedom, Letting Go, Joy, Release
- Gratitude, Appreciation, Respect
- Courage, Bravery, Risk Taking
- Control, Regret, Bossy, Critical
- Epiphany, Forgiveness, Insight
- Love, Understanding, Acceptance, Compassion, Forgiveness, Peace of Mind
- APPRECIATE ALL OF THE MEMORIES
Be grateful for all of the memories you have with your mother and learn
from them. Recall defining moments, challenging times, or particular gestures.
You may not know how you feel until you put pen to paper. Simply let your
ideas unfold naturally without forcing them. Welcome your uncensored emotions
without judgments. If judgments arise, gently release them as part of the
process. Be patient and loving to yourself.
As you revisit your feelings about your mother, jot down 5 memories of your
mother. You may have fewer than 5 memories or you may have more, but 5 is a
place to begin.
- EXPLORING DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES
We view our relationships according to our perspective on life. Many
times, we cannot see beyond our own experiences. As you think of your
relationship with your mother, begin viewing her in various roles in her life:
as a woman, wife, daughter, grandmother, volunteer, professional, and friend.
Seeing your mother in a new light can provide a fresh perspective on the way
you view her, yourself, and your relationship.
Write down 5 or more things you've noticed about yourself and your mother
when you explore these different roles.
- FROM GENERATION TO GENERATION
As daughters, we primarily focus on the relationship with only our
mothers. We blame our mothers for the beliefs they may have adopted from their
mothers, and so on. They possibly did not know any other way and did the best
they could. If we explore the past, we notice that certain behaviors have been
passed on to us from generation to generation. These may be things you have
not even thought of or talked about. They are a part of you. You may either
blame your mother or celebrate her for certain behaviors. Think of certain
sayings.
Jot down 5 of these belief systems. If you are not sure of other
generations in your family, speculate and write them down anyway.
- BEYOND STEREOTYPICAL EXPECTATIONS
We often expect our mothers to be a certain way from the cultural messages
we grew up with. For example, there may be no such thing as a "perfect apple
pie mom." Yet, we often compare a particular image in our minds to the way we
think our mothers should be. When they do not meet our image, we feel
disappointed and even resentful. Often, our expectations cloud us from
appreciating our mothers for who they are. Once we can identify with our false
expectations, we can honor their uniqueness.
Jot down 5 expectations you have now or once had with your mother. Also
write down what you discovered from this process.
- CHALLENGES ARE THE GREATEST GIFTS
We often blame our mothers for the all they put us through-the hardships
we experienced while growing up…and the hardships we still experience. For not
being there; for being there in the "wrong way"; for the women we are; for the
women we are not; for all of the challenges we had to overcome because of our
mothers. Many times, our challenges turn into resentments, which cloud us from
being in the present moment. Our feelings of anger may begin with our mothers,
but they move in to our other relationships.
Write down 5 resentments you have about your mother. Explore your
challenges with your mother as gifts and write down what you discovered.
- CAPTURE THE MOMENT
The objective of these 10 exercises is to examine your relationship with your
mother from new perspectives and open your heart. When we view our experiences
in new ways, we enrich our relationships with others and ourselves. Feel free
to use some or all of these exercises to support you in writing your letter.
Begin your letter now. Be true to your personal voice. It will always lead
you to the right place. The rest will follow.
10 QUESTIONS TO PONDER
Questions prompt us to think differently about our experiences. They
open our eyes to new possibilities.
- What did you learn about yourself from your experiences with your mother?
- What did your mother represent to you growing up?
- What did you want but did not get from your mother?
- If you only had one day to resolve the issues with your mother, what would
you say?
- What do you constantly complain about regarding your mother?
- What kind of relationship would you like to have with your mother?
- Is there one event with your mother that changed the course of your life?
- What resentments or dislikes do you have regarding your mother?
- What do you admire about your mother?
- What does your mother represent to you now?
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